ONE YEAR CLEAN.
2019: the greatest, most life changing year of my life.
On December 30th of 2018 I got high for the very last time. I woke up on December 31st and decided it was time to start fighting for myself again. I wanted 2019 to be a year where I never touched a drug, little did I know that 2019 would lead to so much more.
I worked extra hard, both in therapy and on my own, to learn what my triggers are and how to cope with them. Then on March 8th, just a little over two months after getting clean, I found out that I was pregnant and my whole life changed in an instant. At a time when it should have felt the opposite my entire world immediately felt at peace (hence the name Paxton meaning “peace town”). I knew that being pregnant while in recovery would mean having to work twice as hard because my life was no longer just about me. And it was hard. Just because I was pregnant didn’t mean that the cravings/urges went away, but it did mean that I now had two reasons to fight hard: for myself and for him. I continued therapy twice a week my entire pregnancy, not because I needed to but because it’s my favorite form of self love. I focused on bettering my mental health, I re-enrolled in school and graduated from college, and worked 4 jobs at one time. I focused completely on myself so that I could shift my focus to be completely on him once he was born. I busted my butt as a single mom to provide everything he could possibly need to give him the life he deserved. I truly made myself proud throughout my entire pregnancy.
While I was pregnant I was told that because of my past I might “not be a good mom.” I got in my car and bawled after those words were spoken over me, who wouldn’t? I let myself feel that pain for a couple minutes, then I reminded myself that I’m a badass because I fought for recovery instead of a life of addiction. I took something that was literally trying to take my life and I turned it into something that made me a warrior. That doesn’t make me less than or unfit to be a mom. Actually you know what? I think my past makes me an even better mom. Being a mom in recovery forces me to be more self-aware and extremely diligent in everything I do. It has challenged me to eliminate all toxic elements, including people, from my life so that I can give Pax the best possible atmosphere to grow up in. It has taught me to set boundaries and the importance of keeping them in place even when it’s hard. Being a mom in recovery reminds me that I’m strong and brave and capable and it has shaped me to be EXACTLY who Paxton needs.
Paxton has never known a world where I was on drugs, and I promise that he never will. For the rest of my life I will wake up and fight because that is what he deserves, and it’s what I deserve too. So here’s to one year + a lifetime of FREEDOM!
(Ps for the judgmental folk: I was clean two months before I got pregnant. I never did drugs or drank while pregnant.)
HAPPILY, HANNAH 